Whenever I mess up, I always just start again… but then again, I am always starting again…
What is this cycle that I keep winding in, though, and around. Like a dirty pair of old socks, I just keep getting spun, never really getting an cleaner, any refreshed, any less tattered. What have I concluded? What have I learned? Where is my fire, my light, the things that make me shine, that make me glow? There’s a sadness to me. I don’t understand where it generates from. I have begun to miss but not miss Abe. I miss having someone who cared about my day, who found the strangeness in me compelling and interesting. I miss someone calling to hear my voice. I miss the gentleness. I miss having someon I know that I can depend on, whom I trust, who I can be vulnerable with. G-d know what hes talking about when he said that man shouldn’t be alone. I think for the first time in real life, I am actually lonely.
For whatever reason, I am not good at expressing my own emotion to myself. It’s like there is a short circuit. My soul’s way of telling me that there is something wrong is through vegging out and eating all the comfort foods I can think of. I want an emotionally balanced life. I do. So… Here is what I need:
1. A clean space
2. Regular Exercise
3. Daily Learning
4. Lists
5. goodness in whatever form
6. an Expression of love
7. Reflect (journal or blog)
I am ready to be a fighter again. To think happy thoughts, to overcome obstacles, to be a living part of this world and this life. My dad said something to me the othe day that really struck me. “I have been thinking about life for the past thirty years”. I will always be thinking about life. It connected to what Perel said on shabbat – that it is about the daily routine. The say counts, Modeh Ane. I want this next day to be the first of all the next days. I don’t want tot start again. I want to be committed.
The things that are hurting me currently are things with my dad, alex leaving, weight, an school. My dad is still with his wife, and after three years, i thought that he would be done. That is what I thought. He’s left, come back, and left again. She stated emailing me again – and when my dad emailed her back, he said nothng about me. She wasn’t emailing my uncle, she wasnt emailing my zaide. She was emailing me hurtful and hateful things, therefore dragging me into it, but it wasn’t me my dad protected in the email, which is extremely confusing. She is a like a child, testing her limits. And, my dad was never strong with bounries to begin with… Then, Alex is left today. She isnt coming back to Maryland. I don’t know what could be so bad that she left so suddenly and so completely. She must be feeling sad, that things are unfair…. and she is right And the last thing, that is catching me by surprise is how ready I feel for companionship, how I want to love and be loved, How I want to know who I am spending my life with and that I want to be with them and start growing with them…. that’s crazy.
But to think positively…
I was happy with the d’var torah that I gave this weekend. It was fun, although I was nervous. It was cool to not read from the paper… to speak to the crowd. I spoke loudly and clearly and looked around. Melissa said I was one of the best Hillel speaker… You know, I think Ill call my mom and tell her…
